Gift giving is always more about them than you
Gifts are always fun to receive – unless it’s from your narcissistic spouse/parent/grandparent. I have so many gifts gone wrong stories about my narcissistic father. One year for my birthday (in May) he gave me a designer handbag. It was very nice but not my style (remember narcissists don’t take time to get to know you and what you might like or dislike as they simply don’t care). I thanked him and used the gift receipt to exchange it for something I wanted. All good, right? Well, then the holidays came around and he presents me with a gift. I open it to find the exact same designer handbag as he gave me for my birthday. Yup, he could not care less about my thoughts, feelings, desires. The gift was about him, to make him appear generous and magnanimous. Narcissists don’t really know you at all or care.
Narcissists often give bad gifts because their primary focus is on themselves, not the recipient. Narcissists choose presents that serve their own image or interests rather than genuinely considering what the receiver would appreciate. This leads to gifts that feel impersonal or poorly thought out.
Gifts are a tool to manipulate
Narcissists also use gifts as a tool to manipulate or control the relationship, attaching strings to their generosity.
It’s another tactic of manipulation. The gifts they give are more about them than you. Narcissists use gift-giving to make them seem generous while they mask their insecurity, retain the upper hand, or reinforce their projected self-image of superiority.
If the narcissist asks you what you want, you still won’t get it
Telling a narcissist what gift you would like is almost a guarantee you will not get it. But if you do not act like the narcissist's gift is the best ever when you receive it, the narcissist will point out that you are ungrateful, or they will give you the silent treatment.
The Worst Birthday Gift
During the last time I went back to my narcissistic father, it was early 2020, the pandemic and my birthday coincided. For my birthday, he didn’t offer to pick up takeout or to pick up the cake – nope he was just joining us. For my birthday, I got to plan and cook dinner for everyone. While I was cooking, my father called me into the family room to open his gifts because he couldn’t wait. He was so excited. I thought wow, he must be very proud of his gift. I need to back up a little. After I went back to him, I invited him to my home for dinner. When he arrived to my home he brought a basket with him. He said it was a backet he won at a charity event. It was filled with wine, random glasses, and a gift card. The next time I had him to dinner he brought a different basket, again as a hostess gift. OK, so now back to my birthday. Both my daughters were watching as he gave me 2 recyclable grocery bags. I opened the first one and it had in it another basket from the same charity event. This one contained 2 other random glasses and a bottle of wine and a gift card. I’m thinking – wait- this is what he got me for my birthday? His only child? Then I open the next bag, and it also had another basket from the same charity event. I was so shocked and hurt. He didn’t even try. And the worst part was that he was completely oblivious. He thought it was a nice gift. Then I felt anger. This time I couldn’t keep it inside. I called him the next day and said I couldn’t believe he didn’t even get me a birthday present. He just gave me 2 baskets from a charity event from 8 months ago. He replied that wasn’t actually my birthday gift. Now I’m more confused. Then, a box turned up at my front door with 2 portable phone stands in it. What? Then I received a check from him. None of it had anything to do with me. At that time, I wasn’t a big wine drinker. I had never used a phone stand in my car. The Check just felt like a band-aid. To this day, I don’t understand any of it. Why give your only child the worst birthday gifts and make a big deal out if? It wasn’t about me at all.
Why Narcissists are Terrible Gift-Givers:
1. It’s all about their Image - narcissists tend to choose gifts that make them look good or reflect positively on themselves.
2. Lack of empathy - narcissists are not able to experience empathy (this is one of my foundational red flags!) and do not care about the recipient's true wants and feelings.
3. Self-centered focus - narcissists think of their own needs and desires when selecting a gift, not the recipient's.
4. Manipulation - giving gifts is another way to control and maintain power in a relationship.
5. Strings attached - narcissist's gifts often come with expectations or implied obligations.
If this is relatable, this is why it’s so important to talk to someone after you’ve suffered this type of abuse. The abuse is so much more than just gifts gone wrong. The terrible gift-giving is just one symptom of narcissistic abuse. When you’re ready to talk to someone, you need to find someone who’s familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. You see, I didn’t get here by accident. I didn't set out to become a narcissistic abuse recovery coach. But after I’d suffered this kind of abuse, I realized that my story and my experience could help so many people who’ve suffered similarly. When someone tells me about their struggles and their story, I’m not just understanding. I really get it. I’ve been there. I’ve felt those same emotions, that same rage, and loss.
I can help you.
You are the most important project you’ll ever work on. It’s time to invest in yourself the way you’ve invest in everyone else. Let’s start now.
Don’t suffer in silence from narcissistic abuse, let’s talk.
Click here to book a free session with me. Don’t wait another day.
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