You’ve learned this person is a narcissist
You’ve taken enough abuse. You’ve done the research. You’re probably a lot like me, I googled my narcissist’s symptoms. You’ve come to the conclusion that they must suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. So the next step is to tell them exactly who they are, right?
Absolutely not.
Experts agree that once you recognize the problematic person in your life is a narcissist, do not call them out. It’s the worst thing you can do. Accusing them of being a narcissist is likely to escalate the situation, causing them to become defensive and angry.
"By definition, narcissistic personality styles are about lack of self-awareness, lack of self-reflective capacity," says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and author of "Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist." "If you think you're going to say something like this to someone, and it's going to result in a productive conversation, it absolutely will not."
Why this is a bad idea
There are multiple reasons why this is such a bad idea. Narcissists not only lack self-awareness, but they also genuinely don’t listen to you. My narcissist never listened to anything I had to say, unless it was about him.
Calling them out will also cause the narcissist to gaslight you in order to alter your perception of reality making you think they are the victim. This is another tactic to punish you for accusing them of being a narcissist.
What should you do instead?
1. Don’t Engage
Remember, narcissists are bullies. If you react and the narcissist gets what they want, they’ll continue. If you can show them their actions don’t impact you, the narcissist may move on to someone else.
It’s important not to argue or defend yourself, because that gives credence to the narcissist’s false reality. Put up your shields, set a boundary.
Say something like:
“I disagree.” Or “That’s your opinion.”
2. Set Boundaries
It’s critical for you to set firm boundaries. Boundaries are your personal rules and limits and no one gets to tell you they are wrong.
3. Use the “Gray Rock” Method
Many therapists, coaches, and counselors recommend taking on the Gray Rock Method when having an encounter with your narcissist especially in the process of breaking the trauma bonds. This method has you literally acting like a gray rock – be boring, unemotional, unresponsive, and unengaged. Abusive people thrive on drama and emotions. When you act indifferent, the idea is that they become uninterested in you and move on.
By refusing to participate in conversations with the narcissist, you won’t have any opportunities to validate them. This method gives you a chance to see the narcissist’s true identity more clearly.
4. Distance Yourself
Seeing the narcissist in your life less often can mitigate your feelings of cruelty, inadequacy and insecurity. In this case, out of sight can mean out of mind for you.
5. Focus on Your Health
Don’t underestimate the toll narcissistic abuse takes on your mental, emotional, and physical health. This type of abuse doesn’t resolve itself.
This is why it’s so important to talk to someone after you’ve suffered this type of abuse. But not just anyone. You need to find someone who’s familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. You see, I didn’t get here by accident. I didn't set out to become a narcissistic abuse recovery coach. But after I’d suffered this kind of abuse, I realized that my story and my experience could help so many people who’ve suffered similarly. When someone tells me about their struggles and their story, I’m not just understanding. I really get it. I’ve been there. I’ve felt those same emotions, that same rage, and loss.
I can help you.
You are the most important project you’ll ever work on. It’s time to invest in yourself the way you’ve invest in everyone else. Let’s start now.
Don’t suffer in silence from narcissistic abuse, let’s talk.
Click here to book a free session with me. Don’t wait another day.
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