My Covert Narcissist
I’ve tried for years to make up for her behavior. I’ve tried to compensate for her lack – lack of attention, lack of thoughtfulness, and lack of generosity. But the passive-aggressive behavior that is the benchmark of covert narcissists has taken over her personality, giving us a complete lack of respect that is intolerable.
These aren’t little issues. Religion and what you prefer to call yourself – these are important issues in a family. But for my mother-in-law, she just categorically refuses to acknowledge either of them.
My husband and I have been married for more than 26 years, together for 34 years. Before we married, my husband chose to convert to my religion. In graduate school, he chose to go by his given middle name as he forged his own path without any support from his family, to become the success he is today.
This past summer, I met with my mother-in-law for more than three hours to discuss everything, at her request. I met with her because I truly wanted a relationship with her and for my husband and kids. She asked for explanations and reasons things happened and I willingly shared. I asked her if she had ever asked my husband why he made these choices and she admitted that she had not. But I thought we made progress. I actually felt like she heard me, she saw me, perhaps for the first time. I expressed our need for respect both in our religion and calling my husband by the name he goes by. She asked my advice at what she could do to repair her relationship with her son. I gave her some suggestions that I thought would make a difference. I foolishly thought it was going to change our relationship going forward.
She chose not to do anything we discussed. She actually doubled down on the disrespectful behavior.
Covert Narcissists
Covert narcissism is less obvious and subtler than other forms of narcissism. It’s often referred to as shy or closet narcissism. The term “covert narcissism” isn’t even listed in the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th version). People who are covert narcissists still feel superior to others, still need admiration, and still need to receive special treatment. They simply don’t display that outward grandiosity we’ve come to know and recognize in traditional narcissists.
Covert narcissists typically still like to receive recognition, they like to be acknowledged for their work and their skills, but they behave in passive-aggressive ways. The most on-brand behavior that all covert narcissists share is their passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive behavior is defined as “a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There's a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does.” These individuals need to manipulate situations, so they emerge as the helper, the savior, the one who solves the problem and saves the day.
According to clinical psychologist and most renowned expert on NPD, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, covert narcissists feel like victimized, vulnerable, less skilled narcissists. “They have a lot of contempt, contempt for why they’re being held to the same standards as everyone else.” Like traditional narcissists, their behavior is a manifestation of their deep insecurities.
Are these behaviors passive-aggressive or microaggressions?
Microaggressions are subtle, everyday slights or behaviors that can be verbal, nonverbal, or environmental, and are often based on bias toward marginalized groups.
Giving a Christmas gift to a Jewish person is not inherently a microaggression, but it depends on the context and the individual's preferences. If someone who is Jewish feels uncomfortable with receiving a Christmas gift—especially if it’s framed in the context of the holiday—it could be seen as insensitive or thoughtless.
However, if someone has told you repeatedly over the course of 26 years that they don’t celebrate Christmas, it would be respectful to honor their preferences and avoid giving them a Christmas gift. Continuing to give gifts tied to Christmas despite their clear communication could be seen as dismissive of their beliefs.
Respecting someone’s expressed preferences, especially after being told many times, is important to maintaining a positive and considerate relationship. It’s a sign of empathy and attentiveness to their identity. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, whether covert or overt, are not capable of exhibiting empathy.
If you've been refusing to call your son by his given middle name—the one he has chosen—for the last 26 years, this situation could be quite painful for him, especially if he's expressed that preference repeatedly over the years. At its core, this reflects a deeper issue of not respecting his autonomy and identity.
This consistent behavior has caused serious emotional distance. I gave her suggestions on ways to bridge the gap and she has chosen not to do any of them. Just a few days ago we received a Christmas card from her using my husband’s previous first name. It’s like we never spoke at all. She chose to ignore everything we discussed and doubled down on the disrespect.
If you’ve suffered narcissistic abuse, you need to pay attention. If you do nothing, if you don’t address this trauma, it will bleed into every aspect of your life affecting how you show up for everything. The trauma takes a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health. I know at the worst points in my relationship with my father, I had terrible insomnia, gastrointestinal problems, skin reactions, and more. This is why it’s so critical to talk to someone. But not just anyone. You need to find someone who’s familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. You see, I didn’t get here by accident. I didn't set out to become a narcissistic abuse recovery coach.
But after I’d suffered this kind of abuse, I realized that my story and my experience could help so many people who’ve suffered similarly. When someone tells me about their struggles and their story, I’m not just understanding. I really get it. I’ve been there. I’ve felt those same emotions, that same rage, and loss.
I can help you.
You are the most important project you’ll ever work on. It’s time to invest in yourself the way you’ve invest in everyone else. Let’s start now.
Don’t suffer in silence from narcissistic abuse, let’s talk.
Click here to book a free session with me. Don’t wait another day.
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