Have you noticed how narcissists behave at holidays?
People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have a very hard time at other people’s celebrations. They need to be the center of attention and of leadership and as a result they weaponize their aggression. Narcissists actually feel that these celebrations steal their own spotlight. Some people say it’s because narcissists lack empathy. Others say they don’t feel comfortable in intimate relationships.
But whichever is their reason, they always love to crush others' joy and happiness.
Narcissists guarantee that all special occasions or holidays are sabotaged as they cannot stand the attention being taken away from them. They also hate the expectation that they will be cheerful or generous towards others.
Have you sat at the family table, after the uncontrollable, outburst of the narcissist in your family and thought – how many more gatherings like this can I endure?
Have you walked out of a special occasion with your family and thought – I just can’t do this again?
Have you wanted to just enjoy the time with your mom/sister/cousin only to have it disrupted by your dad’s tantrum?
Why does your ex make your child’s birthday party about them?
Why does your uncle humiliate you at every special occasion?
Narcissists bring down the mood in the celebration quickly – like Debbie downer. It’s like they suck the air out of the room.
They need to be the focus and they will be hyper-critical of every detail freely sharing how disappointing the event is. They find joy in crushing everyone’s good time. Narcissists don’t give gifts to make you feel loved, they give gifts to make themselves look like something they’re not, like loving and generous.
5 Ways narcissists consistently ruin special occasions:
1. Create drama & conflict where there isn’t any
2. Use your vulnerability against you
3. Make every celebration about themselves
4. Demand attention
5. If they don’t receive the attention, recognition, praise, and envy they need (narcissistic supply) they go into a narcissistic rage storm.
Why do narcissists act this way on special occasions?
Holidays and special days take people out of their everyday routine. This creates opportunities for narcissists to act out or create unnecessary drama but it also limits the ways for you to get away from them.
Narcissists only care about themselves and are completely unable to read the room, missing the nuances of other people. They will express anger if someone is ill or recently passed away as the attention is on other people, not them.
It’s not going to get easier. It’s not going to get better. The toxic narcissist in your family isn’t self-aware and will not change. You need to change. Ignoring them is impossible. You don’t want to miss out on the holiday, special event, or family gathering completely. They make you feel belittled, and demeaned, like you’re going insane. You are done. You just can’t stand to be in the same place as this person, but you don’t want to miss out on seeing the rest of the family.
I wrote about this in my book “Wrecking Ball Relationships: How to Identify, Live With or Leave the Narcissist in Your Life.”
“My aunt, on my father’s side, once told me a story about her wedding day. She was getting ready in her home and her brother, two years older than her, wouldn’t let her in the bathroom. On her wedding day! The entire family were narcissists. This brother was in his twenties then, exhibiting the benchmark manipulative, controlling, selfish behavior of a true narcissist. Narcissists don’t always present their standard characteristics and traits in childhood. Sometimes they wait until they’re adults to show their true colors.
Narcissist siblings make holidays and family get-togethers miserable. As a result, after the parents have passed away, most siblings no longer spend holidays together. The non-narcissist siblings stay away to remove themselves from the situation, living a life of peace without their narcissist sibling.”
What should you do?
Your holidays and special occasions are the core memories of your lives. These core memories should be joyous, happy, and fun to recall. No one, and I’ll say it again, no one, should have the power or right to take that from you. I don’t want you to get to the end of your life and look back on these special occasions with dismay and regret.
Do something for yourself after surviving your last gathering before your next major holiday. You didn’t do anything to deserve this chaos. Often, we stay in these cycles of abuse because we don’t believe we deserve something better.
You do deserve better.
I get it. I’ve been there. This is why it’s so important to talk to someone after you’ve suffered this type of abuse. But not just anyone. You need to find someone who’s familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. You see, I didn’t get here by accident. I didn't set out to become a narcissistic abuse recovery coach. But after I’d suffered this kind of abuse, I realized that my story and my experience could help so many people who’ve suffered similarly. When someone tells me about their struggles and their story, I’m not just understanding. I really get it. I’ve been there. I’ve felt those same emotions, that same rage, and loss.
How can you make your special occasions joyous, happy & peaceful?
If you’ve experienced the chaos, the circus, and the conflict, you know how narcissists ruin and wreck every holiday, special occasion, family gathering. You’ve witnesses the narcissistic rage storms. You’ve been punished with the silent treatment. It’s just the worst experience. You’ve even debated about attending the event.
Paulo Coelho said “a mistake repeated more than once is a choice.” Don’t choose to engage in their circus again. Make peace your choice.
How can you prepare yourself?
In Narcissists R.U.I.N. & Wreck Every Special Occasion, you’ll master strategies to disarm and disengage the narcissistic rage storm and flip the script, so you dictate how the holiday goes. You’ll get the playbook on what to do and what not to do so they can’t ruin another day.
Your special days will be fun. Your holidays will be joyous. You and your loved ones will be able to cherish looking back at these core memories (without a stomachache).
This course will give you an MBA – (Mental armor, Boundary building, & Assertive actions) to finish with a PhD – peaceful holiday dinners!
Check out The Narcissist Slayers podcast
You can find my book “Wrecking Ball Relationships” on Amazon, BarnesandNoble.com, and lynncatalano.com.
If you’re looking for my Top 10 Answers to your Top 10 Questions about Narcissists, just go here: https://buff.ly/3yUt43z
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