As if it isn’t horrible enough…
Often at the end of a toxic relationship with a narcissist, when the narcissist discards you, you go into depression, have anxiety issues, and are left wondering why this happened to you.
There’s an awful statistic out there that you are more likely to enter into another relationship with a narcissist once you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship unless…you process your trauma.
Are you experiencing a trauma bond?
A trauma bond is the connection between an abuser and their victim. It’s the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. The bond is created due to a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. After each circumstance of abuse, the abuser professes love, and regret, and otherwise tries to make the relationship feel safe and needed for the abused person.
Be sure to check out the Signs and Symptoms of Trauma Bonding
here in an earlier blog.
Have you been discarded by the narcissist?
The stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle - it is a cycle; it circles around and repeats itself. This cycle is a pattern of abusive behavior. It’s never a one-off with a narcissist. There are 3 main stages of this cycle with a last gasp maneuver from the narcissist. First, the narcissist idealizes you, putting you on a pedestal. Then they very subtly begin to devalue and criticize you. Eventually, they discard you when you no longer serve them. Then they try to suck you back in and begin the cycle all over again. They don’t always try to suck you back in. Sometimes a discard is just a discard.
Why do narcissists discard you?
Narcissists need to feel superior, dominant, and powerful to everyone, especially their victims. Discarding you makes them feel this way. They also need you to know that you aren’t good enough for them and by discarding you it validates their sense of feeling better than everyone else. Some people think one reason narcissists discard you is because you were too difficult to control. Another possible reason is that you no longer feed their narcissistic supply and they need to find someone who will.
As a result of your decreasing self-esteem, you find yourself neglecting your needs and desires and losing any self-awareness you had before. You have been solely focused on the abusive person and their needs. You feel used, rejected, and sad.
What’s DARVO?
DARVO This acronym stands for (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender). During the discard stage, narcissists use this tactic to deflect responsibility onto the victim. It’s a form of manipulation narcissists use to discredit the victim. This tactic is often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims. This is another way narcissists turn the tables, making themselves the victim.
This is also the time when you may see a narcissist begin to spread rumors and gossip about you if you choose to leave the relationship. This is known as the smear campaign, where the narcissist paints you as the villain in their story and assassinates your character. Know that knowledge is power in navigating the DARVO strategy.
Power & Control
It always comes down to power and control. When the narcissist feels like they can no longer control you, then they will try to control the narrative and attack you. Their fragile sense of self-esteem has been threatened and they respond with this defense mechanism.
I know I wasn’t paying attention to how the relationship affected me. If you do nothing, if you don’t address this trauma, it will bleed into every aspect of your life affecting how you show up for everything. The trauma takes a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health. I know at the worst points in my relationship with my narcissist, I had terrible insomnia, gastrointestinal problems, skin reactions, and more. This is why it’s so critical to talk to someone. But not just anyone. You need to find someone who’s familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. You see, I didn’t get here by accident. I didn't set out to become a narcissistic abuse recovery coach. But after I’d suffered this kind of abuse, I realized that my story and my experience could help so many people who’ve suffered similarly.
Will you do something for yourself after the discard?
Are you trapped in the cycle of a toxic relationship with a narcissist? The damage is real, and it's time to break free.
The damaging effects continuing in a trauma bond with a narcissist is like living in a nightmare you can't wake up from. Everyday, you're losing a part of yourself. The longer you stay, the deeper the scars. It's time to put an end to the suffering. The toll on your brain, body, and mental health: prolonged exposure to narcissistic abuse rewires your brain. It disrupts your ability to think clearly, make decisions, and process emotions.
Check out The Narcissist Slayers podcast
When you are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you feel immense anger, rage, and loss for the person you loved that you thought loved you. I get it.
It’s the worst feeling. It’s your sign to break your trauma bonds for good this time.
Trauma Bonds 101 isn’t just informational, it gives you the strategies to move on from this person and heal.
This isn't just another course; this is your lifeline.
You are not just breaking free from your narcissist – you are breaking the cycle of abuse, you are ending a trauma addiction, and you are changing your trajectory.
There’s a time for change…and yours is now.
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