What is gaslighting?
Narcissists cleverly manipulate our understanding and interpretation of events to a point where their “victims” literally don’t trust their own judgment. As a technique, it’s meant to disorient and make people question their very perception of reality. Gaslighting is a powerful sign and a huge red flag that you’re in the middle of a toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Gaslighting is defined as, “an elaborate and insidious technique of deception and psychological manipulation, usually practiced by a single deceiver, or ‘gaslighter,’ on a single victim over an extended period. Its effect is to gradually undermine the victim’s confidence in his own ability to distinguish truth from falsehood, right from wrong, or reality from appearance, thereby rendering him pathologically dependent on the gaslighter in his thinking or feelings.”
The term originates from the 1944 film titled “Gaslight” where the main character’s husband slowly manipulates her to make her believe she’s going mad. The film’s title originates from the gas lights used in the apartment in the film. The husband uses the gas lights in an upstairs apartment which causes the lights in his apartment to dim. The wife asks her husband about the dimming lights. He convinces her it’s merely her imagination, making her feel insane which is a primary intention of gaslighting.
At its core, gaslighting is a formidable tool of manipulation so narcissists can inflict emotional abuse on their victims.
Generally, gaslighting happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue, and as a result, a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed. Altogether, they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.
All types of narcissists employ the tactic of gaslighting to control: employers, parents, friends, spouses, and partners. This strategy’s success often depends on the balance of power between two people in a relationship. The tactic reinforces the narcissist’s need to be right, be in control and be superior to his victim.
I wrote about this in my book “Wrecking Ball Relationships: How to Identify, Live With or Leave the Narcissist in Your Life.”
“When I confronted my father after an argument, I didn’t recognize he was gaslighting me, at the time. I repeated back what he said and did. First, he responded, it was a misinterpretation. He wouldn’t explain what was misinterpreted or who misinterpreted what. Then he said it was a joke. This should’ve been a red flag. There was nothing funny about the subject matter or his actions. He never elaborated. He then concocted an elaborate retelling of the facts, including events that never took place. I corroborated his story with the other person involved a true innocent. The innocent, who had no skin in this game, told me none of the above three versions of my father’s responses occurred. My father changed the past to fit his recollection – he saw himself as the victim. He was always turning the tables. When he recounts that story, he only remembers it his way, believing all his own lies.”
Narcissists will do anything to deflect, deny and lie about what actually happened. They never take responsibility for their actions and they will never apologize.
Be careful.
When you’re in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, whether romantic, parent, friend, or coworker, you become conditioned to take responsibility for everyone. You begin to normalize the gaslighting as their regular behavior. It’s not normal. It’s not ok. You didn’t do anything to deserve it.
If you've experienced gaslighting, it’s so important to talk to someone after you’ve suffered this type of abuse. The abuse is so much more than just confusing. The chaos this person causes is just one symptom of narcissistic abuse. When you’re ready to talk to someone, you need to find someone who’s familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. You see, I didn’t get here by accident. I didn't set out to become a narcissistic abuse recovery coach.
But after I’d suffered this kind of abuse, I realized that my story and my experience could help so many people who’ve suffered similarly. When someone tells me about their struggles and their story, I’m not just understanding. I really get it. I’ve been there. I’ve felt those same emotions, that same rage, and loss.
I can help you.
You are the most important project you’ll ever work on. It’s time to invest in yourself the way you’ve invest in everyone else. Let’s start now.
Click here to book a free session with me. Don’t wait another day.
You can find my book “Wrecking Ball Relationships” on Amazon, BarnesandNoble.com, and lynncatalano.com.
If you’re looking for my Top 10 Answers to your Top 10 Questions about Narcissists, just go here: https://buff.ly/3yUt43z
Check out this episode of The Narcissist Slayers podcast and follow us to stay connected.